two things …
1. you ever find out after the fact that people you know were invited to something, but you weren’t? even though you don’t know all the details, it still sucks a little. i wonder (i have to say ‘i’ because of all the treatment talk that you have to personally identify and not tell everyone else what ‘they’ do. in fact, to this day, when i hear someone in a meeting all ‘you-ing’ it up, i want to scream “stop telling me what i do, and own up to your own shit!”) what i did, why i wasn’t good enough, if i’ve pissed this person off, if we’re not really friends, if they hate me for some reason. i am struggling to get to the point where my self-esteem is such that these things don’t even cross my mind. in fact, i just heard an AA ‘lead’ last night that talked about loving oneself unconditionally — that when you (i?) get to that point, we can truly love others. and then someone said something to the effect that when that happens for them, no one will be able to take that away or really touch/hurt them. sweet. i’m so not there yet.
2. did you ever hang out with someone a couple of times and even though you knew that things weren’t probably going to continue romantically, you were up for the idea of being friends, and after you conveyed that, you never heard from them again? again, the questions come up. even though i wasn’t keen on this or that, i ask myself … what did i do wrong? am i hideous? am i totally undateable? do i suck?
yeah. oh, and did i say that i went on another audition tonight and it was like a minute long and who knows and then the whole way walking to someone else, i thought of about a million ways i should have said things differently. sigh.
at least i auditioned. and went on the date. the other thing might be completely in my mind, but even if it’s completely true, i need to know i’m a good friend if people will let me be that. and if they don’t, that has to be okay, too.