sometimes i think it can be easier to take a backhand rather than a compliment

no one has ever physically hit me. i’m hoping you get the wordplay there.

however, the sentiment sort of remains the same. it’s somewhat easier for me to take a verbal jab rather than a compliment. it’s something i’m really trying to work on. i don’t know what to do or how to effect that change. i’ve leared that it’s polite and good manners to say ‘thank you’ if someone says that i have a nice haircut or cool shoes. but it’s hard not to follow up ‘thank you’ with “my hair is a disaster — i cut it myself” or “i bought these shoes at a thrift store.”

i don’t know why that is. i have parents who love me very much, but honestly, i don’t really remember them complimenting me or reassuring me a lot. that’s a truth that i’ve come to realize slowly. in fact, if i got a B, i was asked “what happened?” because i nearly always brought home As.

i remember having my world completely rocked when i was reading an annie lamott book that said something to the effect of, “i was 30 before i realized a B was a really good grade.” and all i could think was, “is it?” and i sat there for about 5 minutes reeling.

so, the reason i bring this up is that i recently met someone who is fond of calling me “gorgeous girl” and “pretty girl.” it’s so weird. there’s a part of me that absolutely *loves* to hear that i’m smart, amazing, witty, pretty, sexy. and there’s a whole other part that is screaming, “shut up. you’re blowing smoke up my ass. what do you want? how many people do you talk like this to? don’t say things you don’t mean. why do you keep saying that?”

i want to believe that i deserve someone who will tell me that i’m a good thing. it’s just hard right now.

however, there is such a presence of god in my life right now. the other day, i was starting to pray about what it would be like to hang out with this person for the first time, and my phone rang and it was my friend, and she said some really wonderful things. god speaking, for sure. and actually, earlier in the day, i was praying again and telling god i had no idea what to do, and then my other friend got off the el and he was telling me how amazing i was and how people see this in me and all that. and how we like to control things and know everything right away. again, god with a megaphone.

then, later on, when i was hanging out with this person and going for a nice, long walk, we ran into a bunny. i shit you not. and god was there again. so, i know that it’s okay on some level to be happy and to have someone like to be with me. but i just need to believe it and know it on the inside. i think that’s key right now.

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