all for show

i was not even remotely close to being kissed last night. not even a mile away. not even anywhere near. seriously. i’m not being sarcastic. but there was this moment where i thought to myself, what if this person and i ever did kiss? what if that ever became a reality? it has never even remotely been a reality before. and truthfully, i’m not sure i ever want it to be. it could really be a horribly, bad thing. i love this person’s friendship so much that i don’t think i’d ever want to see “what would happen.” anyway, the point being that when i thought about “what if this person and i ever did kiss?” i got so fucking nervous that i was nearly sick to my stomach. not because i was repulsed, but just in that … oh fuck, i haven’t kissed someone in over two years, i know i’ve fucking forgot and if i ever kiss ANYone again, it will be so fucking awkward and i know somewhere i’m a really good kisser, but i know i’ve lost all ability to even know how to start kissing someone and what if i never kiss anyone again and i really am left to a life of celibacy and i guess that’s better because i think i might throw up.

so all my big thoughts of being all sexed up apparently are just for show.


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