hot town summer in the city

if i didn’t just flat out memorize it, i’d never know that song was by the lovin’ spoonful. it has such a gritty, down and dirty feel to it. like my head right now. but let me start over.

i’m the kind of person who can get really monastic about sex. that, or i am way into it. but let me start over.

i’m an all or nothing person. i’m trying to get out of that way of thinking, but i have a tendency toward binary thinking. yes/no. black/white. on/off. and on/off is how my sexual life/being normally goes. when it’s on, it’s ON. however, when it’s off, it’s just off. i’m monastic. i don’t really feel the need or desire. i rarely even masturbate. (again, it’s not that i don’t enjoy masturbation or know how or don’t have fantasies, etc.) it’s just that when i’m in that off space, i just sort of am shut off to sexual feelings. i get this way after an intense relationship. mostly, it starts with the mourning/grieving of that person. still wanting them. i can’t really think about wanting someone else, because i’m still in “them” mode. after i get over them, i generally want to focus on myself. and then, i guess there’s the “i’m just used to this” phase, where i am just used to being by myself. at some point during that phase, masturbation might come back into the picture, but again, it’s still nothing where i’m dying to have sex or anything. for someone who can be so sexual, i always find it interesting that i don’t get crazy about it.

things are starting to change. i am finding myself lonely for human contact. not sexual per se, but just human touch. i’ve always thought americans are touch starved. because we can’t delineate all touch from sexual touch, we tend not to touch one another. we don’t hug or hold hands or rub backs or just be familiar with one another. and i also believe because most of us are so touch starved, if someone does these things to us, we either perceive them as sexual or sexual advances, so we are thrilled or very uncomfortable. it’s sad, really. i wish more of us were more free to touch one another. with our friends and our family. i think it could revolutionize the world.

so, anyway, i’m been finding myself open to that. that i’m really wanting to be able to be touched. hugged. held. whatever. and unfortunately (?), i’ve only ever remotely found that in romantic, intimate relationships. so i think that’s part of the reason i’ve been thinking about what it would be like to embark on one again.

however, in the last month, something has changed even in that line of thinking. without my prior knowledge or consent, i have become downright … well, horny, for lack of a better term. it’s strange. i look at people and i imagine what it would be like to kiss them. or be sexual even in small ways with them. people i don’t know. random people. acquaintances. my friends. it’s fucking crazy, i tell you! especially since my rules of engagement are that i don’t do casual sex and that if i’m going to date someone, i’m going to wait at least a month before i sleep with someone. so, this is news to me.

i haven’t a clue what this is about. summertime? slight mania? it’s really, really odd. i’m praying on it. but, it’s so bizarre. especially since i normally don’t really even actively think about sex in regards to me. whatever. i’m not censoring these days, so you get what you get. welcome back to the smussyolay.

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