whatevah, old puma

i was at a temp job sorting beads with this other dude for two days a couple of months ago. the first day was the day of virginia tech. after an hour of that, i made him turn off CNN or whatever the fuck we were watching. at that point, they were talking to kids on their cell phones, and it seemed so fucking inane. they asked the one kid how many people were in the dorm where the two students had been killed and he said something like 200, and then he was instantly was corrected by the newscaster who was being corrected by someone who had the accurate information, which was something like 700 or 900. and i was just like … this is the shit they show on the daily show, where they just talk mindlessly for hours to people who essentially know nothing. i couldn’t stand it. this was, of course, before there were 30 more people killed. when someone walked back in at 4 p.m. and said there had been all these other people killed, i was guilty … was i wrong to turn the channel? should we have kept watching? obviously our vigilance at the tv wasn’t going to stop anyone from going insane, but there was a part of me that felt bad i made him turn it off. but i just couldn’t watch the ridiculousness of it anymore.

the next day, it was all about WGN. unfortunately, that meant i had to sit through two screaming episodes of maury (i don’t know which is worse — the fact that connie chung sleeps with him (does she still?), the fact that that show now makes a current affair look classy (that triangle noise used to scare the shit out of me), or that maury looks like such a fuck. at least springer doesn’t even pretend that it’s real anymore) where people are having paternity test for the 10th time (no joke) and losing their shit when the dude’s not their baby daddy. seriously? wow.

anyway, after maury came ‘millionaire,’ which we had watched the day before, too. obviously, mark and i were fellow trivia fans. it seems weird to me that the today show doesn’t give a fuck that viera does both shows. doesn’t it seem like they’d want to keep the today show brand completely pure? whatev.

so, we watch millionaire, and he yells out the answers before the questions are read, and i want to punch him in the head. there’s no FUCKING WAY i’m going to turn on jeopardy around this mofo. cause i’m not going to try and explain that you have to WAIT for alex to finish reading the question before you can answer. and you most certainly have to answer in the. form. of. a. question. fact of the matter is, and i’m not trying to be a dick, but if we played that as soon as you read the question on the screen you could answer, i’d fucking smoke everyone i played with. end of story. i read faster than just about anyone i know. so it’s to people’s advantage to play the right way. but they just think i’m a fucking freak. that’s fine. so then i find myself holding back so i’m not a different kind of fucking freak, sometimes ending up losing to them, knowing i knew it, and then resenting them because i “let them win.” motherfucker. (this is all way too fucked up, isn’t it?) if they would just do jeopardy the RIGHT way, then we wouldn’t have to have this problem in my head.

ANYWAY …. we’re watching millionaire, and this question comes up about what another name for mountain lion is. there’s like bobcat, puma, cheetah and panther or something. and he and i both go “cougar.” and that’s not on there. and we’re stumped. and so we both go with bobcat, even though i’m pretty sure they’re like the foxes of cats. and we’re stunned to find out that the answer is puma. really. i thought those were more panther-esque. so, i start quizzing people i know. most people don’t even know another word for mountain lion, and the people that do say, “cougar?” yeah, that’s what i’m talking about. one friend who used to live in socal says puma right away. that pisses me off, but whatevah.

another friend who lives in nocal says they’re just called mountain lions up there.

but, since i’m a sick fuck and always like to be right, i want to announce to the world that i just recently found out that … they’re also cougars! YAY! i thought so. thank god for wiki. i always thought the puma was a south american thing. and i just tried to type in “puma” and “mountain lion” into wiki to get their respective pages, and it brings ya right back to cougar. so, that’s that. cougar it up.


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