rigorous honesty

let me just say this: when presented with opportunities for spiritual growth, i am not someone who embraces the situation with grace. no, i am someone who looks at the idea scornfully, and i usually go in heels dug, kicking and screaming. i am not joan of arc, silently being eaten up by the holy fire of the spirit that burns me purer. i am screaming bloody murder, asking god, “WHY ME? WHY ME?” why do i have to go through this torture to grow? why must i suffer pain to enact growth? why do i have to know agony to have healing?

i just want that to be made clear. i am not a graceful learner. i learn, but i am often heard to say, “oh fuck.” especially now that i have some sobriety and i can sometimes see the lessons as they are headed my way. “oh fuck, i can see that this one is maybe going to hurt some. especially if i continue to struggle against instead of just relaxing and letting HP take some of the load.”

and even knowing that god will take some of the burden if i just take it easy and stop being so feckin’ hardheaded, i still continue to ram my head against the wall sometimes until i am utterly exhausted and then i let my HP hold me and take me home. much like the 5 year old who throws a tantrum until they have nothing left and the tears are cried out and the floor says, are you done hitting me now? okay, rest here awhile. we’ll both feel a little better in 5 minutes.

this too, shall pass.

grace falls on all of us equally, it’s just up to us whether or not we want to slow down, be quiet and receive it.


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